Journeys - The Human Experience

A book in progress by Thomasina Kundalini.  Excerpts will change periodically so come back soon...

I drank last night. I sound like hell. I smoked too many cigarettes too. I have vices that hamper the spiritual side of my self. I need to rid myself of them. My New Year's resolutions are insane. Quit eating fish… I might give up cheese and eggs some day but I don’t want to give up skim milk for the calcium. I should quit drinking… I don’t do it that often anyway, so if I reduced it to special occasions… moderation is always the key. Another key is defining our selves – truthfully. Admitting where we are weak makes us stronger.

Sometimes I want to be on an acid trip 24hours a day. That’s what I want to do. Like the guy in the ‘Be Here Now book.’ (The one Jackie gave Jess in the hospital.) The author came upon a guru in some exotic country. He had about ten hits of acid on him, but made no reference to them. The guru asked the author if he had “the mind medicine” on him. Wondering if the guru meant aspirin or something, the guru shook his head no. The author then pulls out the acid. The guru says, yes, that’s it and asked for some. The man was going to tear one off, and the guru motioned for it all. The guru took all ten. The author sat in anticipation of a reaction. To his surprise, he observed no consequence in the guru. So the writer decided that the guru was in a constant state of surrealism, like an acid trip all the time. The LSD did not affect him.

I wonder about my ex boyfriend Brian, who was taking 10 hits a night for quite some time. That guy is gone. He does not function well in society. He’s crazy. It would be so much easier…

I just want to help people some times that are so bad for me. I try to help them and they bring me down so easy. Brian was like that. I really did love him. He didn’t believe me, and he never would believe me. The lengths I would have gone to. The lengths I went to prove that I loved him were not what he was wanting. I came to the conclusion that I would say “I love you” and he would say “no you don’t” or “prove it.” I would say “What? You don’t like the poetry I write for you? You don’t like the fact that I call you every day? You don’t like that I do artwork inspired by you? Buy gifts…and everything?”

I honestly cared about him and he just didn’t believe me. So what can I do? If they don’t trust me, they don’t trust me. I tried so hard to figure it out, asking him questions. He would say that I didn’t act like it. Then I concluded that it must be sex. I was giving to him in every other way. There was no other way for me to prove my love to him in his eyes, than for me to have sex with him. I did, in the beginning.

Eventually, I decided to become celibate. I took my vow during my time with him. He took it personally and I don’t think he should have, but I can see how he did. I can see how a lot of people would. It was something that I needed to do for myself. I really had nothing to do with Brian.